What Does Your Communication Say About You?

Why do we tell ourselves we want things or know we want things that we can't have? When we know that if we had that thing, if we had the option to have that thing, we wouldn't want it. It's a perceived sense of control. Most people want what they can't have for that exact reason. It's something that you feel is outside of your control. You don't have control of it. For example, if you have every intention of breaking up with somebody because you don't like the relationship but if they break up with you or tell you they don't want you, suddenly, you then cling to them, which is the opposite of what you wanted to do in the first place. They've taken away that sense of control that you had. It makes you change. This often happens at work as well. I use the example, when people quit after they've just been fired. That's the most ironic example. People quite often quit when they've just been fired. It doesn't work like that. You've just been fired. You cannot quit. You've been fired, which is the same way as when people get broken up with. So many people want what they can't have.

I had a lot of conversations last week with different one-to-one clients about what they actually hear, and then what you interpret from what you hear. If I said something now, if you want to listen to the positive part, you'll find the positive message in what I'm saying and fit it into your circumstances. If you're looking for why everything's doomed and everything's a failure, you'll also find that part too. Being a little bit more specific, if somebody says something to you and you're looking or you're open to negativity or to twist what they have said into something that's destructive, you'll listen to what they've said and you'll just ignore certain words out of their sentence. Then, when you reframe or rephrase what they have said back to them, it isn't what they were communicating. I often say to people, "Tell me what you think I've just said," and they then say something back to me, which is not what I said. They've taken what has been said and twisted it to suit the meaning that they wanted to hear. This happens so frequently in relationships. For example, if you're communicating about your relationship and you're trying to communicate something, you want to say something, they don't want to listen. You want to give some sort of constructive communication. You say something, but what they hear is not what you actually said. They hear what they want to hear from it. Likewise, when you're in a particular state of mind, you will pick bits of what they've said and place your own meaning on it. This is why I always ask people, especially when they're communicating with people, "What did you actually say?" Because people will say, "Well, I told him this." So I ask, "Okay, so how did he get to the outcome of this?" Then, they tell me what they actually said, what they actually said wasn't what they thought they were trying to communicate. It goes both ways. What you think you're saying and what you want to say versus what you'll want to hear and what you're trying to get across. You have to self-reflect and work on understanding how you communicate and how your communication is received by the other person. If something's not gone the way that you wanted it to, whether that's a conversation, a communication, a relationship, a friendship, a situation, what did you do to influence that outcome? What did you do to influence that whole thing? You could break it down and you can look at exactly what was actually said.

So many people that I know, that I work with, focus on the negatives. Even if something is communicated in the best way or the most effective way that's possible, it will still be perceived as negative or heard in a negative context. There is no right and wrong answer of how to communicate. There's just trial and error and see what works for that individual person. If you communicate how you feel towards somebody, towards a situation, and they're only listening for how they can criticise themselves, they will take that regardless of what you say or do, you cannot control what that person does. You're always going to be communicating and you'll always be communicated to, but think when people say things to you, do you listen to what they actually say, clarify the meaning of what they're saying? Or do you take their words, twist them to the meaning of how you really feel about yourself and then make those words fit that meaning? Then, blame them for making you feel like shit when actually it's you that made you feel like shit? This happens so much, whether it's about something that they've said or whether it's just your belief system about what, for example, your ex is like, about what their co-parenting skills are like, where you think everything they ever do towards you and around your kids is all some sort of attack on you. If you believe that, you'll make everything that they do fit around that belief system. Everything they say, everything they do, every email they send, every text they send, you'll create it into the same story that they're out to attack you. Whereas if you don't believe that, if you don't think that, you won't twist or alter what they say to fit that negative belief. You may think, "well, they're just an idiot." They may well be an idiot, but you're listening to what he says without thinking that he is out to get you, or attack you. Whichever belief you have about them, about yourself, about what you're trying to serve will just come across in every single thing that you do. It is all around your beliefs, whatever belief system you're trying to serve, whichever belief system you're trying to serve, whichever belief system that you're trying to appease. My point with all of this is that so many people are questioning the conversations they're having, the situations they've been in, the relationships, failings, friendships, parenting, all of it. What did you actually say and what did they actually say to you? What did they actually say to you? Lots of people don't say what they really want to say for the fear of rejection, and then just get hurt later on down the line much worse. That's really what happens. You avoid the truth or you avoid an answer you think may come because of the fear of rejection. I think I'm the opposite. I'd rather find out now than find out later. Not necessarily for fear of rejection, but I can't help that I'm impatient. I don't want to know six months later what you may or may not think. I want to know now. You know when someone looks like they're worried or they're sad. Some people just let them work through their own feelings. When they're ready to talk about it, as a friend, you'll listen. I'm not like that, I am someone who can instantly see and recognise that they're upset. So I will ask "What's up?" Then when they say, "Nothing, I'm fine," I know they're lying. So, I push them to talk about it. My belief is that there's no point in festering on something that could be resolved in 10 seconds. So many situations that people hold on to for three months, six months, five years, people just hang onto conversations that could have literally been quashed in a 30 second question, "Is this what you meant?" If you had just asked that question and they communicate to you what they actually meant, you wouldn't have had to live for years thinking that that person meant that comment in a hurtful way. That comment that you took in the wrong way, that you listened to and put your own meaning on, because of your own insecurities. So many of these things can be resolved so quickly.

If you feel like everything's going to have a negative outcome, it will have a negative outcome. That's exactly pretty much what I'm talking about. If you think you're going to get a negative outcome, you've put that belief system straight onto it. Using your ex, for example, if you approach every conversation thinking that this is going to go wrong, you'll make it go wrong some way or another. If you approach your ex looking anxious or 'sheepish' looking like you don't want to have that conversation, you're going to give them the impression from your body language, from your facial expressions from your tone of voice, from everything that you're doing, that you are thinking "Oh shit, I don't want to have this conversation," so they will likely think, "They've obviously done something they should not have done or they're about to bring up something they shouldn't be bringing up, don't want to bring up," which already puts them on the defensive. When you approach that situation with the belief that this is going to go wrong, you'll make it go wrong. You'll hear what you want to hear. You'll see everything as an attack. They can say something that may not be criticism or anger or anything like that, but if you think they hate you or that it's going to go wrong, you will instantly, within the first few sentences, subconsciously lead the conversation in that negative direction. It just escalates from your internal beliefs. Back to my original comment, why do we want things that we can't have? People always want things they can't have because they can't have them, until they do have them, then people don't want them as much. It is just the same as when someone says something, if you're in a good mood, you'll take it positively. If you're in a bad mood, you will take it negatively. It is all down to you you can only change yourself and what you give and take in any communication with anyone. As an example, think of a work situation where someone says, "Hey, do you want to grab a drink after work?", if you're in a bad mood, or a negative state of mind, you will probably think or reply in a negative way, "I haven't got time for that. You don't even know what it's like to be a single parent. I have to get home for the kids." Whereas if you're in a good mood and the sun's shining and you're feeling positive, your reply may be, "Oh, that'd be nice, but I've got to get home for the kids."  Your mood and your state of mind will alter your response and your feelings about something so simple and straight forward. They've said the same thing to you, it is just that your mood is different. Therefore, you've responded differently, which is the same with every single communication and it will drastically change how the communication goes. Say what you may mean, mean what you say. People don't know though, a lot of people don't have self-awareness. People try to mean what they say, but they don't actually know what they mean, or how to effectively communicate what they mean. They say the thing that comes into their head or their friend told them or that they heard on the radio of what to do in these situations. Then, end up wondering why it all falls apart, their relationships and situations collapse in their lap because they're listening to bad advice and they don't actually know. Say what you mean. Most people don't know what they mean or don't know what to say what they truly mean. People often don't know how to get the outcome they want. Are you trying to avoid the truth, hide from the truth, run from yourself? Do you know what you mean? Do you know what you want to say? That's my question to every single one of you, do you know what you mean? Do you know what the true meaning of how you feel is? Do you actually know how you feel? Do you actually know what you want to say to all the various different people in your world right now? Lots of people say they want to know the truth about themselves, about how they feel, about their relationships, but they actually don't because the truth hurts sometimes. Some things are better left unsaid maybe, but then are you just avoiding the truth? You avoid the true situations, you avoid the true circumstances. Then, you don't actually deal with it. If you want to live your life in a false state of ignorant bliss, as I say, the comfort zone that's not comfortable, when you live inside the comfort zone, but your comfort zone hurts you every day, it's not very much of a comfort zone. How comfortable is your comfort zone? If every day you're sad, depressed, lonely, how is that comfort zone comfortable? It's your life. You're in control of it. People often say, "I wasn't in control of my own life." You are 100% in control of your own decisions. You may have been coerced or controlled in a relationship, but you chose that relationship in the first place. It may have been on false pretences, or under false information, but you still chose it. It is your life. It was your decision. It is you. The only person standing in your own way is you. It's just about being honest with yourself that you have the control. You can make the difference in your life. Sometimes you just don't know how, and that's where most people hit that roadblock. They don't know how to change, therefore, they want to tell everyone else they're wrong, because they don't know how to do it. When other people are doing it, they can feel envious. They want to get positive change in their life and they want to know how. They want to know how to find the answers to change for themselves. The answers are all within yourself, self-awareness, self-belief, knowing yourself and accepting who you are, but ultimately this starts with being honest with yourself about who you are and who you want to be. Who do you want to be?

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